The Garden of the Soul

I first met the lovely Brenda Adelman on the coaching networks. When I first heard her story, and about her current work, I knew that she had to be a guest on my show “The Garden of the Soul.” Read on and you’ll see why.

Originally from Brooklyn (like me!) but now residing in Los Angeles, California, Brenda is an award-winning actress, Unity Church Prayer Chaplain, and Forgiveness Coach. What is a “forgiveness coach”? It is someone who works with clients at a deeply spiritual level to enable them to “forgive the unforgivable.” For her outstanding work in the field of forgiveness, helping others to forgive, and overcoming tremendous forgiveness of her own challenges as well, Brenda was the recipient of Hero of Forgiveness Award from the International Hawaii Forgiveness Project in 2008.

What makes Brenda a hero of forgiveness? In 1995 she heard a shot that, as she describes it, “shattered her world” when her mother was shot and killed at point-blank range… by her father. If that would not be enough for one young person to forgive, her father then went on to marry her mother’s sister. On the show, Brenda read an excerpt of this story as she tells it in her upcoming book, Forgive and Be Free: A Pathway to Personal Happiness. I must say that it is gripping and chilling at the same time. The shock of it, as Brenda reads it, does justice (as much as one can with words) to the shock she must have felt when this happened. Brenda then told me about all the subtle ways this impacted her at a deep level. Grief, anger, rage, shame, depression, loss and so many other emotions became a tangled web in her life.

I am quite sure that most people would agree this is just about as close to “unforgivable” as you can get. So imagine coming to a place within yourself where you were not only able to forgive everyone in this situation (father, aunt, the court system, society, the universe, God, self…) but you were also able to step into peacefulness and inner joy. Pretty amazing, huh? Well, now imagine that you not only reach this place within yourself, but you also use all of your talents and abilities to help others overcome devastating loss in their own lives by learning how to forgive. This will give you an idea of who Brenda is, and what she does.

Brenda has created a one-woman show entitled “My Brooklyn Hamlet” that tells the story of her journey from tragedy to freedom in a theatrical setting. After the show, she delivers a workshop entitled “Forgiving the Unforgivable as a Path to Freedom.” She does this, she says, “to open people’s hearts and gets them out of blame.”

As a special gift to our listeners, Brenda shared her 5 Top Reasons to Never Forgive and Why You Must:

Number 1 reason why you tell yourself you must never forgive:
If I forgive this person I am condoning what he/she did.
Why you must: Forgiveness is for you, not them. It sets you free.
 
Number 2 reason why you tell yourself you must never forgive:
My anger assures me that this person will never be in my life again.
Why you must: Your anger assures you that this person is constantly in your life through either obsessive thinking about them or suppressing your thoughts about them.
 
Number 3 reason why you tell yourself you must never forgive:
They will hurt me again.
Why you must: Being angry and unforgiving actually increases the odds of you being triggered emotionally (being upset) by something else that they do.

Number 4 reason why you tell yourself you must never forgive:
Who would I be if I forgave them?
Why you must: You wouldn’t be the same person who holds a grudge, lives in fear and needs a wall up to protect yourself. Your open heart, good judgment and healthy boundaries would lead to a life of more joy.
 
Number 5 reason why you tell yourself you must never forgive:
What happened to me or a loved one was just too horrible.
Why you must: It was horrible. In order for you to create the beautiful and empowering life that you want you need to acknowledge that, grieve what was lost and/or what was taken from you and learn how to release those parts in you that are stuck in darkness and pain.

And finally, Brenda reminds us that “Forgiveness is a process not an event.” 

If you want to find out more about Brenda, listen to the podcast below. And after you do, be sure to visit Brenda’s websites, to get a whole lot of free forgiveness “stuff”:

• Sign up to find out when Brenda’s new book, Forgive and Be Free: A Pathway to Personal Happiness will be available and get a small gift called Your Personal Forgiveness Assessment at http://www.forgiveandbefreebook.com
• You can also receive the full eCourse absolutely FREE at http://www.forgivenessandfreedom.com
• And join Brenda for her next free “Forgiveness Teleclass” on Wednesday, May 27th at 5 PM Pacific time “What is a Healthy Boundary? How do you Set It?”
  Sign-up at http://www.forgivenessandfreedom.com (replay available).

Going to be in Los Angeles in June?—Come see award-winning actress Brenda Adelman in her one-woman show, My Brooklyn Hamlet, on Sunday, June 7th at 7 PM at Celebration Theatre in Hollywood. Get tickets online at www.celebrationtheatre.com . A Q&A follows the performance. 

Listen to playback of the show below:

Download the MP3 from:

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/Lynn-Serafinn/2009/05/14/Ep17-Forgiveness-as-a-Pathway-to-Freedom

Subscribe to the podcast here: 

Browse through other episodes at: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/Lynn-Serafinn

NEXT ON
Lynn Serafinn’s Garden of the Soul
(this show was already aired; catch the blog and podcast shortly) 

Wednesday 20 May
SHOW: Lynn Serafinn’s Garden of the Soul
Ep18-Photography and Transformation
6.30 PM UK time, 1.30 PM Eastern, 10.30 AM Pacific, 7.30 PM CET
Author and Personal Transformation Coach Lynn Serafinn hosts American photographer and transformation teacher Sheila Finkelstein. Sheila will be sharing her tips for using the camera as a tool for personal transformational, through which you learn to see the world with new and different eyes. She will tell us about her success in helping people who previously told themselves they were “not artists” to find and express their unique vision, by noticing the extraordinary in the seemingly ordinary, and the magic that is all around us within what she calls the “accidental art” of the world. Check out Sheila’s stunning photography in Lynn’s video “Song of the Rose” at http://tinyurl.com/rose-song.

This show was already aired. Catch the replay at “on demand” at:
http://www.blogtalkradio.com/Lynn-Serafinn/2009/05/20/Ep18-Photography-and-Transformation

Can’t make it to the live show? No problem!

Catch all our episodes “on demand” at
www.blogtalkradio.com/Lynn-Serafinn

About the show, “Lynn Serafinn’s Garden of the Soul”
Weekly broadcast exploring personal empowerment, life purpose, balance of mind, body and spirit, and how to tap into the inner hero that lies within every human being. Hosted by Lynn Serafinn, Personal Transformation Coach and author living in Bedford England dedicated to awakening the authentic voice in all people. She is the author of the Amazon bestselling book The Garden of the Soul: lessons from four flowers that unearth the Self, and the Founder/Leader of The Global Wellness Circle, a holistic community project that is rapidly spreading throughout the UK.

Lynn’s links

• Garden of the Soul Book Blog: www.give-receive-become-be.com
• Garden of the Soul Social Network: http://gardenofthesoul.ning.com
• Create-a-Life Coaching/Training: www.create-a-life.co.uk
• Global Wellness Circle: www.global-wellness-circle.com

Lynn’s next live appearance:
Saturday 23 May
EVENT: Edenbridge UK Independent Authors Book Fair
9 AM – 4 PM
VENUE: Rickards Hall, 72 High Street, Edenbridge, Kent TN8 5AR
The first Independent Authors Book Fair takes place as part of the Eden Valley festival. The festival celebrates the West Kent community of Edenbridge town and the surrounding villages. The Book Fair presents twelve independent authors covering a range of genres. There will be a programme of talks, presentations and readings running throughout the day from 9.00 – 4.00. Light refreshments will be available. Join Lynn and 11 other UK independent authors for this inaugural event. Get to meet authors 1-to-1, ask questions, hear talks of writing and publishing, and purchase signed copies of their books. Be the first to be in the know about who is setting the trends in the independent writing field.

Amongst the speakers, author Lynn Serafinn will be delivering a talk on her new book The Garden of the Soul: lessons from four flowers that unearth the Self which reached Amazon bestseller status in both the US and the UK the first week of its release in such categories as spirituality, mind-body-spirit and self-help. Visit Lynn’s book blogsite at http://www.give-receive-become-be.com for more information and full media kit for The Garden of the Soul.
More information at: http://www.ukindependentauthors.co.uk/Edenbridge_Book_Fair.html

Related posts

• Boosting Your Emotional Intelligence – an interview with Gail Sussman Miller (0)
• The Gift in Goodbye. Interview with Gemini Adams (1)
• Feeling is Healing – Interview with Steve Ryals (0)
• Living the Law of Attraction: interview with Ruth Hegarty (1)
• Vision and Visionary: Photographer Sheila Finkelstein (0)

BlogTalkRadio presents
Lynn Serafinn’s Garden of the Soul
Episode 1: “Peace Begets Peace” (full programme info below)
Listen below to broadcast first aired Thursday 22 January 2009

About the episode “Peace Begets Peace”
Author and Personal Transformation Coach Lynn Serafinn hosts special guests Lina Nahhas of “1-Urban Humanity for the Middle East” and Davina Smollan of “You” South Africa to share a  formula for peace at both a personal and global level. Discussion will include how focusing on your inner peace can cause a shift in society, and create lasting peace within our homes, communities and the world at large.

Listen every week to Lynn Serafinn’s Garden of the Soul at http://www.blogtalkradio.com/Lynn-Serafinn
Day and time varies. Check for listings.

About Lynn Serafinn, host
Lynn is a Personal Transformation Coach living in Bedford England, dedicated to awakening the authentic voice in all people through her company Create-a-Life. She is the author of the upcoming book The Garden of the Soul: lessons from four flowers that unearth the Self, and the Founder/Leader of The Global Wellness Circle, a holistic community project that is rapidly spreading throughout the UK.

About Lina Nahhas, guest speaker
Lina is an Arab Canadian social researcher and social reformer living in Dubai dedicated to creating a new consciousness where all people see past cultural labels, and embrace the humanity within each other. She is the Founder/Leader of ‘1-Urban Humanity for the Middle East.’

About Davina Smollan, guest speaker
Davina is a Jewish woman and a personal and organizational transformation coach living in South Africa dedicated to helping others embrace themselves as their own full-range masterpiece living powerfully in accordance with their true worth for the purpose of creating a larger, connected humanity. Her Johannesburg-based organisation ‘You’ works with people of all ages, creeds and colours to achieve these goals.

About the show, Lynn Serafinn’s Garden of the Soul
Based upon the lessons from the book of the same name, Lynn Serafinn’s Garden of the Soul is a broadcast series offering a range of inspiring topics and special guests, exploring personal empowerment, life purpose, balance of mind, body and spirit, and how to tap into the inner hero that lies within every human being.

Related posts

• Forgive and Be Free – Interview with Brenda Adelman (0)
• Vision and Visionary: Photographer Sheila Finkelstein (0)
• Using Sound for Healing and Happiness – interview with John Levine (0)
• Turning Up the Volume of the Music in Your Heart! (0)
• Thurs 11 June – SHINE Radio Show on Westside Radio, Southall, London (0)

In response to my first article ‘Peace Begets Peace’, one person (anonymous post) replied:

A nice story but unfortunately irrelevant to the situation in Gaza. The truth is that the child has openly declared that he wants to kill his mother and she is trying to take the knife out of his hands. She knows that he always keeps his promises and is stabbing her for more than 8 years over and over again. She is overreacting because she is afraid of blood poisoning and has had enough. I’m all for everlasting peace. But, when the Hamas says he will not stop short of killing me, I have to believe him. I just can’t see what we can talk about.

While my initial article was written with a view towards peace in general, and not necessarily talking solely about the violence in Gaza, these comments are surely a wonderful expression of the frustration that is undoubtedly felt amongst the nations in question. I can personally relate to the imagery from the perspective of my marriage breaking down 6 years ago. Yes, when any relationship has gotten to the point that you are tired of being ’stabbed’ (using your metaphor), then fight or flight appear to be the only two options. However, I have learned a lot about fighting and flying, and how these appear to be the only options when we are in the midst of a situation. However, if we take a metaview of this, or any, hostile situation, I believe ‘peace begets peace’ does indeed apply on a larger scale.

I completely agree that when a relationship, whether between two people or two peoples, has broken down to the point where they are no longer able to hear each other, and communication is obscured because contempt has replaced it, it can seem like there is no way to fix the wounded relationship. There is a point, as you say, when one or both parties feels too wounded to trust any longer, and the relationship becomes toxic.

If you were a married couple in a toxic situation and could no longer endure it, you would divorce. In a divorce, solicitors are employed because, left to their own devices, the two parties would probably do nothing but shout, defile, blame and threaten each other. There is no more trust between them, so they are incapable of managing their affairs without the assistance of a disinterested third party, who has no real vested interest in the outcome. A solicitor might work well to help the severing process, but what a solicitor does not do is heal the relationship because it is assumed it does not want to heal.

Unfortunately, in the matter of nations, dealing with a toxic relationship is a different matter. You cannot divorce each other, yet still third parties (i.e., other countries) are frequently ’employed’ (or deployed) to act in the role of ’solicitor’ wherein property and boundaries are set, whether through additional warfare, sanctions or resolutions. However, there are several reasons why this is not likely to be particularly effective in the long-term. The first is that a third party nation rarely, if ever, has a genuinely disinterested relationship with either nation, so their intervention is bound to feel like manipulation to one, or even both, of the parties. Secondly, while a divorce lawyer can walk away from his clients thinking that it will be up to the clients to heal themselves as they separate from each other, it is practically impossible for two nations (and I use the word ‘nation’ to mean the people, not the geographic boundaries), especially two that have been living as closely as Israelis and Palestinians have, to separate from each other physically, emotionally, culturally or economically. And while couples who have divorced may or may not heal separately with time (some never do), nations have the disadvantage of not being able to truly separate and heal, nor do they have the luxury of taking time in their collective process because the rest of the world is depending upon their stability.

So when dealing with nations, what we need is not a divorce at all, although we traditionally use these tactics. What we need here is a means of actual healing of the relationship itself, not just of the separate nations. I do understand that sometimes it might be deemed that immediate action of a political or military nature for the purpose of ensuring the safety of oneself is necessary in the short-term. But in the long-term what is needed is for those who are more able to see past the blur of cultural prejudices to help the relationship, not in the role of the ’solicitor’, but as the healer. 

Healing the relationship is not a matter of conducting mediation for the purpose of making resolutions. It is a global process of rebuilding the trust between the parties so that they can see the humanity in each other, and therefore feel inspired to be at peace with each other. No peace can come without both parties being willing to release their judgements, blame and contempt, and this will not happen until their view of both ’self’ and ‘other’ is shifted. So long as both parties hold tightly to the ‘us’ and ‘them’ of the situation, toxicity will remain. And saying that ‘we’ will not release this view until the ‘other’ party does, only perpetuates the problem. Only when the ‘us and them’ perspective is shifted can healing occur, whether between two individuals or between two peoples. When this shift finally does happen, more choices become apparent, and then a lasting peace, and not just a ‘patch up job’, can take place.

I suppose what I am say here is that when one is caught in the crossfire, yes, there are things that may need to happen to ensure your survival. But if we rise above the situation and see what is needed at a larger level, trusting that it is possible, then our actions will be motivated by a different energy, and a different result is more likely.

As someone who considers herself in a healing profession, I am dedicated to doing my bit for the ‘bigger picture’. While I might not be able to take the knife out of the hand of the belligerent child, I hope to help change the situation so that the child no longer wishes to pick up the knife at all, except to slice the bread he will share with his neighbour and friend.

I firmly believe that all of us can begin this process when we start at a local level and heal the wounds within ourselves by shifting our internal energy to a place of peace, even when there is a turbulent storm raging around us.

I am grateful to this writer of this comment for giving me the chance to hear his anguish over the current situation.

Related posts

• Peace Begets Peace – Pt 1 (3)
• Personal Transformation and Why it is Important for the Greater World -Pt 5 (1)
• Personal Transformation and Why it is Important for the Greater World – Pt 3 (0)
• Personal Transformation and Why it is Important for the Greater World – Pt 2 (0)
• Personal Transformation and Why it is Important for the Greater World – Pt 1 (0)

We’ve all seen it.

A young child is screaming in the queue of the supermarket. He has seen a toy he wants, but his mother refuses to buy it. And so he starts to scream, saying, ‘I want it, Mummy.’ An embarrassed-looking mother restrains herself as she puts her groceries onto the conveyor belt. The child, being ignored, works himself up into a frenzy until his screaming causes people to look somewhat disdainfully at the distraught mother, who is trying her best to pay for her groceries and get out of the store as quickly as possible. But it’s no use. The child is getting louder and louder and people are looking even more irritated, especially now that the check-out girl at the till has just asked a runner to do a price check on that day-old loaf of bread amongst the woman’s groceries. So now the whole queue is waiting…waiting and trying not to look irritated as the child continues to scream louder and louder and louder…

And then, she loses it.

Unable to contain her composure for a single second longer, the mother starts shouting at the child. Her voice is even louder and more irritating that the child’s screaming. But she doesn’t just shout. She hollers. She threatens. She calls the child names. She uses language that she would never allow the child to use. She grabs the child by the arm, gives him a shove and tells him to shut up. She might even give a slap.

The mother, completely absorbed in her own frustration, is unaware at first that her own shouting is now drawing attention from even more disgruntled onlookers, who look at her with a bit of a critical eye. The mother starts to sense this. She tries to look away and pretends she doesn’t notice, but of course she feels mortified. But what else could I have done? she thinks.

Shocked by the mother’s aggressive behaviour, the child does go quiet-for the moment-and the mother tells herself that her behaviour is justified and that all these people looking at her should just mind their own business. She pays for her groceries, and starts to leave the store.

But as she goes, the child starts to cry again. It starts quietly at first, just a whimper. But soon it grows until it is even more pitiful than before. This time, his cries come from a much deeper place, and his sobs are gut-wrenching and heartbreaking to hear. They come from his feelings of being unloved, even if these feelings are completely unfounded. The onlookers watch as he cries all the way out of the store. Now he is wailing, even louder than before.

I describe this scenario because I have been thinking a lot this week about the nature of peace. As I write this, we are several weeks into the horrible violence happening in Gaza. I myself have several very good friends and colleagues living in the Middle East, both Jews and Palestinians, and the stories they tell me are heart-rending. Clearly, peace is needed, and it is needed immediately.

But taking the lesson from the story of the mother and the child, how does one create a lasting peace? When we attempt to create peace, at the cost of peace itself, we create no peace at all. We have seen again and again over the past two decades that when more powerful nations enter into the war arena in the name of re-establishing peace to a less powerful country or region, it rarely, if ever, works. Just like the mother who is able to temporarily subdue her child because she can shout louder and be more aggressive than the child, larger nations can surely assert their aggression upon smaller ones to get them to ‘behave’, but this is simply a temporary quell. Similarly, just as a child who has been shouted at his whole life learns to be aggressive when he reaches adulthood, nations subdued, whether through military action or political sanctions, also become aggressive when they begin to regain their strength. It might happen a generation later. But the reaction will come. Aggression can never be a solution for peace. Aggression breeds aggression. Only peace can beget peace.

Genuine peace is far deeper than the achievement of an externally subdued behaviour. True peace is a peacefulness of body, mind and spirit. Over the past year, for instance, much of the world appears to be not at peace over the global economy. However, I myself have been feeling very peaceful about it. I see the changes as part of the natural wave of cause and effect, and I am simply riding that wave with flexibility and creativity, feeling no real distress from it. But what I notice is, people who are not at peace within themselves, and who are given to stress, judgments and anxiety, are generally the ones who are the most disturbed by the so-called ‘crisis’. I myself felt this kind of distress about a year ago, until I realised that I was the source of my own anxieties, not the situation. It is not the economy that brings lack of unrest, it is us.

When we are anxious, we tend to spread our anxieties to others. When we do this, we create an imbalance in energy. It’s like tipping a tube filled with liquid. When the tube is unbalanced, the contents flow more to one side or the other. Similarly, when you tip things in the direction of your own anxiety, you only encourage more and more people to get sucked into the void of your own lack of peacefulness. One of most powerful mechanisms for shifting energies on a wide scale is the media. I personally feel that the anxieties surrounding the current economic situation have been greatly exacerbated by the way the media, including newspapers, have shifted the social energy. Shifting energy is the cause of any social epidemic, whether ‘good’ or ‘bad’. And what’s good about that, is that it also means that we have the power to shift it back into balance.

Knowing that global trends are really the result of shifts in energy, I find myself wonder on a daily basis what would happen if the entire world would suddenly come to a place of peace within their hearts. Imagine what would happen to the social energy then. If everyone were at peace within themselves, they would not have any inclination towards waging war, because they would not feel the need to judge or to be envious of others. If everyone were at peace within themselves, they would never feel the need to worry, even if economic circumstances changed. If everyone were at peace within themselves, instead of robbing others of energy, they would be able to give them energy. There would be no sense of competition, because no one would be worried about losing anything. Giving of oneself would come easily, because we would feel no lack within ourselves. Rather, we would feel full, and would have the desire to give. And when the whole world is giving, the planet becomes wealthy. The process is simple to learn. It is easy to do. It is sustainable.

‘But,’ you might ask, ‘this all sounds nice, but there is a real war going on. Blood is being shed. What could we do and what impact could we possibly have, while so much of the world is spinning out of balance?’

This is what you can do–be at peace.

This does not mean to be ignorant. This does not mean to turn a blind eye to the suffering of others. It means to walk with peace, hear with peace, see with peace. And if the whirlwind of the world’s drama tries to sweep you up, step back and know that just as you are the source of your own anxiety, you are also the source of your own peace. And just as the world may seem like it is trying to rob you of your peace, you as the Peace-bearer are actually able to heal the world with your peaceful heart. For when you have peace, the energy balance shifts, and more peace comes as a result.

So if you wish to do something that can make a difference to the citizens of Gaza, or to those who are suffering as a result of the economic tides, or to anyone else who is out of touch with peace, by all means follow your conscience and do whatever you believe is right. But regardless of how you choose to express your conscience, do it with a peace-filled heart, trusting fully that you have the power to shift the energy, and then simply watch the world start to change both around you, and within you

I believe that peace begets peace. So if we wish to bring peace to the world at a global level, we must start with ourselves. Be at peace. Go with peace. And the whole world will feel the impact of your peacefulness. Of this there is no doubt.

YOUR comments are heartily encouraged and requested. Please add to the energy! 

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copyright Lynn Serafinn 2009, all rights reserved

Related posts

• Peace Begets Peace – Pt 2 (1)
• Personal Transformation and Why it is Important for the Greater World -Pt 5 (1)
• Personal Transformation and Why it is Important for the Greater World – Pt 3 (0)
• Personal Transformation and Why it is Important for the Greater World – Pt 2 (0)
• Personal Transformation and Why it is Important for the Greater World – Pt 1 (0)